


twelve feet deep

by chopinseimei



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, great song u should listen to it, set just after 2017 worlds, this is SUPER SUPER short, title is from twelve feet deep by the front bottoms, uuuh written at like 3am bc i got Angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 01:39:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14321715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: Shoma runs a hand through his hair, if only to ground himself.In the back of his mind, drowned out by the inevitable, there’s a faint daydream; he and Yuzuru on the podium, and maybe Shoma will have gold, and maybe Yuzuru will lean up, arms warm and welcoming around him, and maybe he’ll congratulate him quietly, and then maybe Yuzuru’s lips will be on his. He’s spent so long thinking about how that’d feel, soft and heavenly and at home. But he’s spent longer pondering everything that’ll go wrong; Yuzuru’s harsh glare as he pushes him away, the words he spits out as if he’d been holding them in for ages and just needed an excuse to say them, the cold, stinging feeling of rejection cutting into him like a knife. And he knows that’s what’ll happen. Because amongst all of that, he’s spent the longest time telling himself that this simply isn’t meant to and never will be.





	twelve feet deep

Yuzuru Hanyu, Shoma thinks, as he walks into his hotel room, is nothing short of amazing.

Of course, he’d known that for years, since his first appearance in juniors, his sweep over the senior scene, his Olympic title, the injury at the Cup of China in the following season. So much more.

And now.

5th place to 1st, with a record-breaking performance. Shoma hadn’t been able to witness it properly at the time, but just watching it back he can feel every emotion pouring over him in the form of Yuzuru gliding across the ice, in the way his eyes flutter shut when he gets lost in his step sequence, how he stands after he finishes his program, tall and ever so ethereal, because  _ he did it.  _ Shoma replays that part constantly, but still can’t place the source of the twisting feeling in his stomach.

Well, he can. And he knows. He knows that there aren’t enough words for unrequited to push this thing back, knows that for as long as Yuzuru is himself, otherworldly on and off the ice yet so so  _ human,  _ this thing will keep spreading like an angry, burning rash. Shoma wishes it was beautiful.

But there’s nothing beautiful about loving someone who’s never going to feel the same, about the ugly feeling that claws it’s way into his stomach every time the other so much as looks at him. He wants it to stop. He really, really does, because if he keeps letting this control him he’ll snap and it’ll all come crashing down.

Shoma runs a hand through his hair, if only to ground himself.

In the back of his mind, drowned out by the inevitable, there’s a faint daydream; he and Yuzuru on the podium, and maybe Shoma will have gold, and maybe Yuzuru will lean up, arms warm and welcoming around him, and maybe he’ll congratulate him quietly, and then maybe Yuzuru’s lips will be on his. He’s spent so long thinking about how that’d feel, soft and heavenly and at home. But he’s spent longer pondering everything that’ll go wrong; Yuzuru’s harsh glare as he pushes him away, the words he spits out as if he’d been holding them in for ages and just needed an excuse to say them, the cold, stinging feeling of rejection cutting into him like a knife. And he knows that’s what’ll happen. Because amongst all of that, he’s spent the longest time telling himself that this simply isn’t meant to and never will _ be. _

It hurts. So, so much. But Shoma can take it. He’s spent months perfecting the art of lethargy, of putting on a carefully-crafted mask and acting as if this doesn’t bother him. Standing by while Yuzuru shines, the subject of shy handshakes and kisses to the cheek from fans and exes who are braver than he is. He’ll stand here, in his shadow, and hope nobody notices his withdrawal. Because he still remembers the exact moment he realised he was in love. Because he still remembers when he started distancing himself to try and stop it. Because he still remembers the lingering glances, the hope that maybe Yuzuru would notice and somehow just know. 

Because he still remembers the glance Yuzuru threw at him before they stepped off of the podium, eyes glimmering and dark pools of what Shoma knows is worry from his days of studying the other’s expressions more thoroughly than his own schoolwork. But Yuzuru doesn’t care. He can’t.

Shoma slides back against the door, and when he finally lets the tears fall they burn.

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! i proofread this Once and i just wanted to write it realllll quick so here u go!! a thing that, for once, is NOT set during the olympics!!!  
> uhh idk what to say here, except my tumblr (and now instagram!!) is chopinseimei so go talk to me over there if you wanna!!
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed!!


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